Search - Isaac Hayes :: Hot Buttered Soul

Rest In Space, gurk'lok (that's "friend" in alien-speak)

heliacal rising | Raleigh, NC | 12/29/2009

(5 out of 5 stars)

"(Originally delivered at Mr. Hayes' funeral service on August 18, 2008)



"Singer, voice actor and stalwart follower of Scientology, Isaac Hayes, has unfortunately passed away. So it is with this final holographic galacto-net transmission that I mournfully send him off...



Alas, poor Isaac, you have left our humble world of Teegeeack (or 'Earth', as the humans call it). May your immortal thetan vigilantly await rebirth, my gurk'lok. I do hope you were thoroughly audited before you blasted off to space in your spirit-shuttle. It would be a shame if you weren't Clear of all those nasty engrams and body thetans before you took flight.



Give my regards to Xenu, Mr. Hayes. He is 'okay' for an evil alien dictator...but he needs to give me my cash back. The guy owes me fifty murgliocks from a past life. Foolish procrastinating Galactic Confederacy overlords! I should vaporize him for his insolence!



He'd better pay up soon because the murgliock-to-dollar exchange rate is going to hell in a handbasket. And it's not like I can just meet him on Burgagulos Prime to get my money back. The only ship I have is an ArgoTech® GL-55C Ultra Rocket-Sedan with Ionized Quasi-Hyperspace Magnothrusters. It would take me an entire millennio'grop to get to the Galactic Confederacy core planets. I would be dead from old age by the time I dropped out of quasi-hyperspace into the Burgagulos System.

You know what? Just tell Xenu I would be fine with a wireless supergalaxo megatransfer to my bank account here on Teegeeack. But I digress...



A-hem.



Godspeed, 'Isaac Hayes' (or 'Bleepgoo Razzlefrazz' as you were known on the moon of Yazmo XII). You were truly a bad mutha-...shut yo mouth. Maybe when you are reborn (and turn 21) we can hang out, toss back some Pangalactic Gargleblasters with Zaphod Beeblebrox, and watch Battlefield Earth on Blu-ray.



L. Ron would be proud, my dear gurk'lok."



-Tohn Jravolta, General of the "Loyal Officers" on Ragtalon IV"