Search - Colonel Mason :: Santa's Movin' In

Santa Quits! In a surprise move, Santa Claus announced today that he is quitting work at this year¡¦s end and intends to live off others for a change. ¡§After many long years of counting on good ol¡¦ Santa this comes as a real shocker¡¨ exclaimed Colonel Mason, a man who says he received notice from Santa in the mail today. Mason showed reporters a copy of the letter he received from Mr. Claus where Santa wrote ¡§A cold North Pole I've had enough. The elves are tired-a makin¡¦ gifts and stuff what makes it worse, all the toys have gone high-tech. The elves are lookin¡¦ for some R & R, most are down there at the corner bar, and I can¡¦t get em to work to save my silly neck.¡¨ Mason says Santa really stressed the feeling that he wasn¡¦t appreciated because nobody ever said thank you anymore. According to the letter Santa wrote "Folks forget, I work night and day so I could give everything away, and it's no surprise the little thanks that I've been given. So I'm leavin' it all, it's time to go. The elves are grumpy and I hate the snow, but you're doin' OK, so it's time I started cashin' in." Santa went on to explain it was also a matter of tough economic times for the elderly. He wrote "¡¦scrips & drugs now cost a lot, the doctor bills take all I got. My cholesterol count says I'm at risk aplenty. Calcium deposits and a spell of gout from milk and cookies the kids put out, and my weight ballooned to somewhere about four-twenty. 'Course my retirement pay amounts to toot, that old folks club ain't worth a hoot. The reindeer eat too much, 'sides that¡Kthey all smell. My feet are tired and my back is sore. I've given 'till I can give no more, so I'm stayin' with you, boy--ain't paybacks swell." And Santa assured Mason that he had no intention of coming alone, "I¡¦m bringin' Mrs. Claus, so nice ya asked, but I'm sellin' the sleigh, its time has past, and we expect you'll bed us in the best room that ya got. We'll spend the golden years in our underwear, watchin' TV in your favorite chair, eatin' all yer food, and drinkin' yer sodie pop." Mason said he thought about it long and hard, and even thought about putting a tent in the yard but ¡§saying no to Santa Clause didn¡¦t sit very well.¡¨ And after the interview one reporter claims to have heard Mason utter ¡§paybacks is hell.¡¨ Mason is telling his story to anyone who will listen on his new Christmas CD, Santa¡¦s Movin¡¦ In. BMI