Search - AILANA :: MYSTERIOUS PLANET

Is there a no stars rating??? Scathing Review:

11/11/2003

(1 out of 5 stars)

"Artist: Ailana Album: The Mysterious Planet Track 1: Mysterious Planet It's starts off inocuosly enough, low-level wanna be jazz saxaphone ala the 80's. Then we get fakebook-style improv, which is worth a bit of a giggle. Overall nicely new-age in cheesy style. Track 2: Battle Hymn of the Republic AAAARGH!!! This singer is singing the way they think Jazz ought to be sung...except they can't sing worth a damn in the first place. Utter, mostly unintelligible garbage. The saxaphonist occaisonally plays over the vocalist, by random chance, or as an intentional cover-up, who knows. Horrid. Track 3: Chant for Peace Mystical crap that stays on the same chord for half the song. The melody sounds like it was yoinked from the Beatles after they smoked too much Opium (thank god they didn't get into that stuff.). Hopelessly repetetive and mindless. gets very very borring. Beatles afficianados have heard the weed album and the acid album, and if there had been an opium album...*shudder* this would've been it. Track 4: Ailana's Dream Started out with a promising chord progression, which quickly degenerated from playful 70's pop/jazz to one chord crap. Doesn't go much of anywhere. The flutist may have listened to Jethro as a child, but it didn't rub off. Crappy flute noodling abounds, folllowed by a confused saxaphone interlude. this guy sounds like he's just makin' some noise and hopin it fits. very canned, elevator style jazz. you would hear this at a sadistic dentist dentists office. bastards. Track 5: Whiter than White Now what's happening? back to el crap singer. this is unbearable. Oh my god, shut up! The vocorder goes in your mouth, not your nose. Is this a 14 year old girl or a 10 year old boy? who cares. either way they totally bombed the talent show. Insanely bad. They took everything their vocal teacher told them not to do and put it in this song...Vocal teacher??? who are we kidding? The only musical experience this person has had is being beaten by their parents with old Michael Jackson Albums...in the head. and what the hell is up with the mariachi style saxaphone opening and closing? Track 6: The Spiral Staircase More mysticism. 80's new age. At least this song has some contour to it...so far. I think we've reached the high point of the album folks! Sounds spacey, but actually manages to go somewhere! it's like intermission...*relief* However it still goes on way too long. Oh well, you can't have it all. Track 7: Just A Closer Walk With Thee Blah. totally bland, canned, crap. eugh. I have lost my will to live. The most blah semi-synth new age version of this song ever. The goal here seems to be to put the listener to sleep so they will only remember their listening experience as a bad, bad, dream. The songs on this album go on for far too long without going anywhere. It sounds like they hit the demo button on the keyboard and wandered off into the great, new age yonder. Thank god this album only has 7 tracks."